Church

As promised... So I went to mass a few weeks ago (Catholic, not that it matters) and decided I don't care for church. I love religion and spirituality but I'm not the biggest fan of organized religion. I know it may sound strange coming from someone raised in a religious family, but I found the entire experience unnerving. 

We sat in mass, listening to the priest drone on about the importance of donating to the church and not feeling at all connected to God. Granted, when the collection plate is passed, I will put money in gladly. Not for the reasons that the priest preached. He told me I wasn't giving to the church for myself or for my neighbors and not even for my community but that I was doing it for God. God doesn't need my $20. God doesn't need me to show my love by placing a "not-so-anonymous" donation into a "pledge envelope".   

Maybe it's just me... or maybe it's silly. I don't know. I do know that I've never felt further from God than I did in the church. I guess I am just going to go back to praying each night before I sleep. It calms me so much more.

Pick Me Up

So I'm still pretty sporadic with the whole idea of blogging. I never think to do it when I'm at the computer, when I'm church though... or at work... or walking the dog. All of those times I really wish I could Blog about all the insanity in my life. Anywho, this blog is inspired by my incessant need to be "picked up" the last few days. 

   I'm typically a pretty well pulled together person, who helps other people when they're down. Recently, I've been this whiny, anxious, pessimistic person. I have this one friend who always tells me it's okay that I can't handle everything without having someone to talk to. It's really amazing of her, because she truly listens. We superficially appear to be from different worlds, and  I understand she and I don't seem likely friends. For whatever reason, I know that she understands who I am; who I really am. She seems to understand, as though she's been there. It's strange because I whole heartedly trust her. I don't know if it's made me happier and more tolerable or if it's made me utterly weak. Honestly, I guess I know that it's both. 

   Goodnight. Is weak bad?

Next Time: Church. Never felt further from God. 

First Time

So I am new to this whole blogging concept. I never had any desire to read blogs... let alone write my own. I find myself in a stage in my life where anger follows me around like a dark cloud, with no silver lining. I don't want to be an angry person. I don't want to hurt anymore. 

 I'm not going to pretend that writing this is a magical panacea to cure all of my pain and wash away my fears, like the tears I can not cry would wash away my waterproof mascara. I guess, I am just writing this as a means to feel heard. I am writing as a means to feel understood, even if no one ever reads it or ever glances at it. Worse, even if it is read and you view me as a monster, please try to understand. 

I am 23 years old. A college graduate, with a degree I've never used. I make less money than most high school dropouts and I get yelled at/cursed at on a daily basis. I have no children. I am not in a committed relationship. Believe it or not... I'm not hideous. I'm very introspective, however, and very rarely let anyone in. If you should decide to continue reading this, you'll grow to understand why. 

To anyone who may have actually read this: Thanks. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.