Sometimes life just gets so hard. I pray to close my eyes and awaken to find that it's all been a horrible dream. "It's all just a bad dream. It's all just a bad dream. It's all just a bad dream." I repeat quietly under my breath, as though wishing it so will suddenly make it truth. "It's all just a bad dream. It's all just a bad dream. Because if it isn't, it's a really horrible reality." I say time and time again. I close my eyes and repeat this mantra, silently to no one listening. For when I speak, television volumes are raised and I am subconsciously tuned out. My life falls apart around me while I desperately reach for the pieces. Trying to not only keep myself afloat, but somehow manage those around me. For the most part I am seemingly well pulled together and on the surface happy. On the off times when the world slips out from under me, I wouldn't want to be around me either. I lose it. In more ways than one. A simple argument about plates on walls becomes a huge issue about everyone in my house being mean to everyone else. Until I feel isolated and alone.
It used to be that reaching for a piece of glass and praying that the pain and crimson red blood could flush away every ounce of anxiety I felt. Momentary solace washes over me as my hands shake and my heart pulses, but no long term peace is found. I'm still stuck in the same dead end job with no true happiness. I'm terrified to be in a relationship for fear that someone will really get to know me and run away screaming. Or beat me just to have an "out" or an opportunity to get away from my crazy existence.
This is not the life I signed up for.
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